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Here are some of my favorite bash.org quotes (bash.org is a site that publishes IRC quotes), albeit with a few words changed here and there to make them more BYU-friendly....
DISCLAIMER: www.bash.org is very very funny, but also contains many many quotes that have lots of profanity and references to things that are NOT byu-approved. So go there at your own risk... now that having been said, here are some ones that I thought very amusing.
<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who Pwnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 Pwn earth just like j00 Pwn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 Pwn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.
<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
<DemonEater> who the heck watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy
<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
<pihlopase> Jesus Saves
<jbroome> pases to moses, SCOOOOORE
<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.
<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you cant buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free
<TRON> if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
<mdiym42> note to self
<mdiym42> make sure your cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing them
<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud
<benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
<benja> The survey was a huge failure...
<benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
<benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
<benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
<benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
<benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
<benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it
<DmncAtrny> I will write on a huge cement block "BY ACCEPTING THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK INTO YOUR BUILDING."
<DmncAtrny> And then hurl it through the window of a Sony office
<DmncAtrny> and run like heck
<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<kylev> hahahahaha
<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha
<_kr4m3r> so many freaking criminals, its b.s.
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the envelope you hold
in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail and walk away
whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring, so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh man!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances : D -<
* nmp3bot dances : D |-<
* nmp3bot dances : D /-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet
Ok, the marriage/funerals one was hilarious. As was the marshmallow story.
Those are good... and I think the 1337 prayer and the sony brick are my favorites as well from this list...
that last one has always been one of my favorite bash quotes.
I'm a fan of the credit card prank. [Emoticon not found] Reminds me of the time I got a check for $.01 from the Atlantis casino in Reno....
I like the mashmallows, brick, and worldwide survey quotes. The australia one is funny too.
Ignus Firestorm: Do that again and I'm getting back on my other SN.
Ignus Firestorm: And you'll never hear from me again.
Ignus Firestorm: =]
CanYouSaySanity: Oh...darn....
CanYouSaySanity: ...
CanYouSaySanity: That was by far, the worst threat in the history of mankind.
CanYouSaySanity: It wouldn't even work on France.
<samsim> I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
<samsim> and got mauled
<samsim> and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
<samsim> a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
<samsim> for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in
I liked that second one two, but didn't consider it funny enough for the list... [Emoticon not found]
<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.
ROFL!
ahhh. that was one of the first bash quotes i ever read. i remember i almost died.
thanks for bringing that one back, ryan.
bobthecow:ahhh. that was one of the first bash quotes i ever read. i remember i almost died.
thanks for bringing that one back, ryan.
you're most welcome. I remember hearing something similar to that quote before only it was a business. They had somehow walled-in their server room without anyone noticing. That is, until they needed to update or something a long time after. They followed cords to a wall, tore down the wall and found it again. Don't know if it's true, but hilarious if it is.
I totally believe that as a viable possibilty.... the things some people do with computers is just absolutely incredible...
one of my buddies from high school has a room full of computers. has a couple of alpha boxen running NT4 holding up his bed... and he has most of his computers running all the time. i'm sure he could lose one. when i read the quote i saw him in my head... and i laughed.
here's one for the general...
<spazdor> how do you get a Cisco Certified Network Administrator off your porch?
<cnug> ...?
<spazdor> pay for your pizza
bobthecow:one of my buddies from high school has a room full of computers. has a couple of alpha boxen running NT4 holding up his bed... and he has most of his computers running all the time. i'm sure he could lose one. when i read the quote i saw him in my head... and i laughed.
Holding up his bed? haha! Some people use center block, some use computers. Whatever works I guess!
[quote][cite] ElChuy:[/cite]here's one for the general...
<spazdor> how do you get a Cisco Certified Network Administrator off your porch?
<cnug> ...?
<spazdor> pay for your pizza[/quote]
Dang! Too bad I read this after my interview/presentation! I'm sure that would have helped me get the job! ;D
<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally
Lol, I liked that one too... hehe
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?
[quote]<echeese> Man
<echeese> I think I befriended a pedo sting
<echeese> This chick's been 14 for 2 years now[/quote]
[quote]<@Rize> hmm nice, after installing IE7 and booting, I got 4 messages saying the system has recovered from a serious mistake.
<@Rize> is windows telling me something here? [Emoticon not found][/quote]
lol.... both of those are good.... [Emoticon not found]
Haha, that's hilarious.
[quote]<amoeba> there's a certain satisfying irony in downloading a copy of the LAME sourcecode to rip movies with from Time Warner Telecom's sourceforge mirror[/quote]
lol
[quote][adam_tharrington] yo
[adam_tharrington] does anyone here have a keyboard[/quote]
[quote]<Ghaleon> I'm a programmer for a company that ports english made games to the japanese market
<PcChip> Make one say "ALL YOUR BASE" in japanese to get back at them.[/quote]
[quote]anonymous: It can be "free" if you look in the right places, I think I'll go TO the video stoRe to RENT a movie now.[/quote]
[quote][NintendoFan] I'll play pong with you, Orangy
[NintendoFan] |.
[Orangy] .|
[NintendoFan] |.
[Twilit] ...
[Twilit] Well that's kind of slanted.
[Twilit] You're either both winners, or both losers.
[Twilit] Terrible, terrible losers.[/quote]
[quote]<Ersan> You're lame.
<xar> haha
<xar> no way
<Ersan> Yeah seriously
<Ersan> I have my handy 'how to spot a lamer' guide
<Ersan> and you've shown 6 out of 7 signs
<xar> Ersan i hope i meet you one day so i can punch you in the face
<Ersan> wow all 7[/quote]
[quote]SparTacus (rulimbaww@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko (lbeedy@1C57684.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I’m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r[/quote]
a classic.
wow Sis. No wonder you're such a prodigy.
What, my mad quote skillz?
[quote][cite] SwingSis:[/cite][quote]SparTacus (rulimbaww@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko (lbeedy@1C57684.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I’m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r[/quote][/quote]
Wow. I laughed. A lot. What's even better is that most people will have no idea why this is so funny.
I don't think many people have watched Spartacus, but I've seen that scene. That almost seems staged though.
The soda commerical using it made me laugh when I first saw it.
Huh? Why wouldn't they get it? Even I get it, and I've never seen the movie. It's like saying "Rosebud" in a death scene. Or "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a d***".
You know, they have a poster of that last quote on campus, and "damn" is crossed out and replaced with "darn." "Darn" is then crossed out and replaced with "dang." Eventually, they crossed out both substitutions, and returned it to its original profane glory.
Wow... BYU at it's finest
After considering it, I think this would be the appropriate response to the topic justin posed in his last blog on two31.info.....
<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud
I liked these ones too...
<DigiGnome> Real life should have a search function, or something.
<DigiGnome> I need my socks.
<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta [Emoticon not found]
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?
<blazemore> omg i love this song
<blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
<Javi> blazemore: yeah, that's a bad a$$ song
<evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
<mcm310>: what is it?
<evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
<evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
<evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
<evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
<evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
<evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
<evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
<evilada>: And some poor guy will be traumatized for LIFE.
<mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore
[Emoticon not found]
best logic EVER coming up..
<lib1790> so, at this college there was an extra credit question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic"
<lib1790> this is what one kid wrote:
<lib1790> First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
<lib1790>As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
<lib1790> Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
<lib1790>So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic).
<liv1790>Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic).
<lib1790>So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.
<lib1790> the kid was the only one who got credit
SwingSis:The soda commerical using it made me laugh when I first saw it.
Pepsi commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBVqk8IiCNU
I remember seeing that movie... err, I remember seeing the end of it, but I'm pretty sure I saw most or all of it.
so i was listening to NPR the other day, being saturday, and i heard a fabulous joke.
Abraham has bought a computer, and he wants to put Windows on it. Isaac says to Abraham "Dad, you can't put Windows on, it doesn't have enough memory." Abraham wisely replies, "Don't worry, son, God will provide the ram."
[Emoticon not found]
popthestack:SwingSis:The soda commerical using it made me laugh when I first saw it.
Pepsi commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBVqk8IiCNUI remember seeing that movie... err, I remember seeing the end of it, but I'm pretty sure I saw most or all of it.
So... um... Pop, what exactly were you doing during the rest of it?
Buzz:popthestack:SwingSis:The soda commerical using it made me laugh when I first saw it.
Pepsi commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBVqk8IiCNUI remember seeing that movie... err, I remember seeing the end of it, but I'm pretty sure I saw most or all of it.
So... um... Pop, what exactly were you doing during the rest of it?
heh
Making pasta?
that sounds good
[quote]<Macko> helping out another customer with pc problems on the phone again today
<Macko> after he gave me his specs i told him "hold on for a second"
<Macko> three seconds later he's like, "ok, that turned my computer off"[/quote]
[quote]<Garf> Wikipedia! you go to look up a CSS term..
<Garf> and you end up reading about Spanish painters and astronaut micrometeorite protection
<Liquid> tabbed browsing will be the death of the human race[/quote]
[quote]<HandyMan> i didnt set tahat
<HandyMan> *say
<HandyMan> *that
<Hyperbyte> *I
<Hyperbyte> *didn't[/quote]
For all of us nerds out there:
Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.
Buzz:For all of us nerds out there:
Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.
[Emoticon not found]
[quote][cite] bobthecow:[/cite][quote]<Garf> Wikipedia! you go to look up a CSS term..
<Garf> and you end up reading about Spanish painters and astronaut micrometeorite protection
<Liquid> tabbed browsing will be the death of the human race[/quote][/quote]
So profoundly true.
[quote]Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.[/quote]
haha!
[quote]<Jean> I typed in the tracert mail.yahoo.com now what
<Tabby_Tech> hit enter
<Jean> there is no enter button
<Tabby_Tech> on your keyboard[/quote]