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HOW TO SING THE BLUES – A PRIMER

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin’...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,

and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch… ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.

Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.

Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools arenn't even in the running.

Walkin' plays a major part in the blues.

So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults sing the Blues.

In Blues, "adult" means “old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis”.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.

Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.

Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness is not the blues.

A woman with male pattern baldness is.

Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.

Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whisky glass

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.

Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.

Ugly white people also have a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.

Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.

So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.

20. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

Swingtalk.com

i love it.

It definitely makes me laugh thinking of some of the blues songs that I have been listening to recently.

ElChuy:

So the mere fact that anyone who reads that (as it being on a computer) is automatically ineligible to sing the blues? hrmmm.. I dunno as if I like that...

most people are automatically ineligible to sing the blues... the fact that i can't makes it even funnier to me.

ElChuy:

But I like singing the blues.... it's something that resonates with me....

so did you shoot a man in memphis? why's it resonate with you?

ElChuy:

If I told you, then I would have to shoot you.

actually, i'm bulletproof.

traci:

sweet! is that your mutant power?

I thought his being able to fit into girl pants was his mutant power... [Emoticon not found]

traci:

bobthecow:

ElChuy:

If I told you, then I would have to shoot you.

actually, i'm bulletproof.

sweet! is that your mutant power?

i can't tell you that.